Dating someone whos been hurt

Classifying people who have "been hurt" regarding anything to do with dating or love or other people is asinine. We've all been there — most of us are still there to some degree, and to pretend that anybody isn't or that there are some people more affected than others is counterproductive altogether. But the reality is that while we've all been scorched by the romantic blowtorch , we seldom realize, or accept, that other people's hearts are as damaged and salvageable as we want to hope that ours are. We seek love under the premise that we are people of many emotional dimensions but that we're settling if we don't find someone who has a crack in their foundation that they trip on now and again. We don't think of people in all their broken, beautiful glory because we'd rather not address their pain, as it forces us to face our own. We think that with each budding relationship , we're stepping onto a clean slate; no wonder we implode so intensely when we realize that we carry every bit of our pasts with us, however healed they are or not, and that it will infiltrate even the happiest and most loving of relationships if they aren't addressed outside of them.

4 Things You Need To Realize Before You Date Someone Who Has Been Hurt Before

Classifying people who have "been hurt" regarding anything to do with dating or love or other people is asinine. We've all been there — most of us are still there to some degree, and to pretend that anybody isn't or that there are some people more affected than others is counterproductive altogether. But the reality is that while we've all been scorched by the romantic blowtorch , we seldom realize, or accept, that other people's hearts are as damaged and salvageable as we want to hope that ours are.

We seek love under the premise that we are people of many emotional dimensions but that we're settling if we don't find someone who has a crack in their foundation that they trip on now and again. We don't think of people in all their broken, beautiful glory because we'd rather not address their pain, as it forces us to face our own.

We think that with each budding relationship , we're stepping onto a clean slate; no wonder we implode so intensely when we realize that we carry every bit of our pasts with us, however healed they are or not, and that it will infiltrate even the happiest and most loving of relationships if they aren't addressed outside of them. Learning to love someone who has been hurt before is really just learning to love someone, and to see them for their whole truth and your own, as well.

Here are all the things you need to know before you date someone who has a past so, you know, a human being in general:. The only difference is where they are in their healing. Some people are still smashed open, others are scarred and cautious, but most people fall somewhere in the middle. Everyone has had hopes dashed, everyone has sought someone else's love to save them.

Everyone has had someone get away, and a good many others walk away willingly. We're all scarred and we're all insecure and nobody is completely convinced they're worth loving. Understanding this doesn't just help you find a genuine relationship — it facilitates it. It helps you speak into those parts of someone, the parts that need you to address them, not fix them. The insane cultural complex of instantaneous love and maddening passion that consumes you day-in and day-out isn't just unrealistic, it's dangerous.

It sets up an idea that will lead you to closing yourself off to genuine love because you can't identify what it really is. Rebuilding our ideas about what it takes to really love someone starts here: It's not something you get, or deserve, if you're "good enough. It's not your fault if you don't have someone's love instantly, and it's not theirs either — it's that you both made the decision, whether out of perceived incompatibility or just a lack of interest, not to bond at that level.

It's not love that hurts. It's not loss, either. It's an attachment to an idea that love would save you, or loss was an impossibility because your love seemed so genuine and strong. The things we can't, and don't, get over are the things we feel didn't completely fulfill their purpose in our lives; the relationships we wanted us to carry us through decades, or the love we thought would heal our broken self-image.

If you want to actually love someone in a way that you haven't before, you have to do it without an attachment to any results. It seems difficult, if not impossible, but you learn to accept that it's not something that gets figured out during a relationship — it's what you figure out beforehand. The parts of you that are lovely and lovable and kind and shimmeringly light are only made brighter; the parts of you that are insecure and hurt and hidden in the shadows become clearer.

This is why romantic relationships are so painful and hard to release: If you want it to actually work, you have to be able to address the fact that it will put a huge magnifying glass over your soul. It's not your partner's problem that you're suddenly fiercely insecure — it's yours. It's not your partner's problem that their completely benign behavior is reminiscent of a former flame's.

It's your job to address the part of you that's not over it. Your history is yours to reconcile, no matter how you want to project it out on to your present. Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way , which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page. Pexels ; Giphy 4.

By Brianna Wiest. Here are all the things you need to know before you date someone who has a past so, you know, a human being in general: Everyone Has Been Hurt.

When one has been hurt in the past, trusting a new person can feel nearly impossible. The thought of letting someone in who could potentially. Dating is hard, and some of us have baggage from being hurt one too many times. It hurts way more to get dumped by someone who claims they love you, .

You get consumed by their darkness, depriving you of oxygen, and they become the only thing you can breathe. They will give you just enough of themselves to hang on there, to stay close. This is not the kind of love you see in movies, nor is it romantic in any way. Loving a damaged person is one of the hardest, bravest things you could ever go through.

However, getting hurt one too many times can destroy your desire for a relationship. In fact, it can be a real downer.

However, getting hurt one too many times can destroy your desire for a relationship. In fact, it can be a real downer. We worry about getting cheating on.

5 Things You Should Know Before You Go For That Girl Who's Been So Hurt Before

In a previous post about forgiveness , I mentioned that I spent years holding onto anger toward someone who hurt me repeatedly years ago. I eventually realized that forgiving this person was the only way to set myself free. The resentment, bitterness, and sometimes pure rage were slowly killing me. They manifested in emotional and physical illness, constricting my life so that I was little more than the sum of my grievances and pains. At many points I strongly believed my emotions would consume me, bit by bit, until I was nothing but the memory of my overwhelming, righteous fury.

11 Things to Know Before Dating a Woman Who Just Got Out of a Bad Relationship

We are the sum of all our experiences; pain included. Or maybe, I should say, pain most importantly. Because pain ends up leaving behind the deepest scars. Choosing to love is a vulnerable action. Often times, this can break a person; causing the person to find it hard to trust, be vulnerable, or simply love again. But with time, most people return to the path of giving it another shot. Someone that will take their heart gently and choose to care for it rather than take it for granted. With that person comes all their wounds though.

Those in the latter group have often experienced hurt — in some form — at the hands of someone who promised the world only to deliver nothing of the sort. The ability to trust someone else and confidence in their own self-trust.

What does it mean to be an emotionally damaged man? How do men become emotionally damaged? What kinds of things need to happen to them to become so closed and not ready to show their emotions? Is it something that maybe happened in their past or was it a certain woman who was guilty of this damage?

Why Dating Someone Who's Been Hurt Before Is Worth the Effort

Girls who've been treated badly in relationships love very differently. They're both scared that what happened before might happen again and end up hurting them more than ever. But they also feel little stronger because they've been through a lot already. They're conflicted about a lot of things: Whether you're the girl who's pursuing a guy who's been through a lot before or you're scared of a guy who likes you a lot, here are some things you should know about this phase in your life. Whether they've been cheated on before or left hanging, they will question whatever you tell and show them. They'll thank you for being around and yet, they'll also try to stop themselves from seeing what you said as truths because they've heard and seen those things before. In their heads, these things will all lead to the same thing: Girls who've been hurt so badly before have a need to constantly put their guards up. Once someone gets so close, their hearts panic and they retreat.

5 Things You Should Know Before You Go For That Girl Who's Been So Hurt Before

You can tell those who've been through the relationship journey before. To them, you're the same old song. The more polite you are the more evil your intentions seem. Not to mention that social media has made every attempt at a connection all about the attraction and less about the substance. Although the ironic thing with hurt people is that all they want is to hear something different but they don't take the time to hear you out. But we can all admit that this "heartless" attitude of the masses has come from the graveyard of shallow past relationships, but those who have been genuinely hurt before might be the only ones who you are truly worth the effort after all. No alliance here, but you're probably asking yourself what's the point in that uphill battle.

How To Love Your Partner When They Have A Guarded Heart

Trust is one of the foundations for all healthy relationships. It's especially important that trust be established at the start of a new relationship. Trust, or the lack thereof, will most likely make or break the relationship. Let's be honest: We all come with baggage some more than others , and trust may be an issue for some, if not many. Even though people move on and hope their previous experiences won't affect future relationships, they somehow always do.

How to Date a Girl Who Has Been Hurt in the Past

You feel super vulnerable and scared, and you act like a weirdo with new guys because you're just super off your game. We will trust you in, like, a year. Not because we don't want to do it sooner, but because our last relationship was with a nightmare monster from the sea, so we're always waiting for the shoe to drop. We hate this too. We will be suspicious when you do super-nice things for us.

7 Things You Need To Understand About Dating Someone Who's Broken

Dating a girl who has been hurt in the past is going to require a lot of patience. She is getting over her hurt feelings and rebuilding her ability to trust, and that's not an easy process for her. It can be frustrating for her -- and for you. Earn her trust -- it will not be given easily. For someone who has been hurt in the past, there is a loss of trust.

The first step is always that we need to take responsibility for our own emotions. So breathe. And self-soothe. And manage. Everyone wants things to feel okay. And everyone wants to get their needs met. The only difference is:

How Can You Love Someone That's Been Hurt By Their Past Relationships?
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